To You.

Its been 21 months since my husband said our marriage was over. At times it feels like just yesterday that I knew him. Other times it feels like a different lifetime ago.

I have had the distinct privilege of a great therapist, and the fact that you naturally grow a lot between 22 and 24.

*Note- before I start, I want to make it clear that I have known many of these things for a long time. It was simply too painful to bring to the light. This year my trend has been ending fear. So here it comes to the light.

If you have read anything I have written in regards to my ex-husband, you may have a somewhat convoluted view of him. At times he seems like he was awful for me, and a terrible person. Other times, I express what I miss about him, and who he was to me.

Let’s start here: My ex-husband is not a bad person.

Has he made mistakes? Absolutely. Did he know how to love me best? No. Do I still think in some areas he is lost and hurt? Sure.

But he is a good man.

I have not spoken a word to him in a year. And I would bet my life on the fact that at his core, he is still a good man. Kind, patient, fun, and yet steadfast.

I have had to come to the realization of how young we were. Of course he didn’t know how to love me well or even close to perfectly once the real world hit. Marriages in general struggle with having to “adult” together, no matter what age. We were practically children. Life was hard. For some reason unknown to me we were also handed a special deck of cards with my mental health struggles.

I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for him to try to make adult decisions at his age. To be a husband. To be a provider. And to be partner to trying to figure out what the hell we were going to do with what we were handed.

I understand how my struggles, and just being married, could have made him feel like he was barely keeping his head above water. I understand how he may have been backed in the corner and felt like he had to make an impossible decision. I can understand why he would have wanted to escape it all.

I did too. But the problem was inside me. So my only option was to keep going or escape in the most permanent way possible. I praise God daily I kept going.

Do I wish he would have chosen to tough it out with me? Of course. I wanted a partner who would stay with me no matter what. Do I also absolutely understand feeling like you have to save yourself from a sinking ship? Yes.

I have never blamed you for having the desire to leave.

Do I wish we would have fought for our marriage together? Do I wish you would have shown me how hard it was to leave? Yes.

But I saw. I heard your sobs the day you moved out. I saw the change in you. The pain in your eyes when you would look at me.

I always knew my ex-husband struggled with showing emotions. I never knew the extent of that until I watched him slowly leave me, and attempt to hide the emotions under the surface.

I saw your pain. I saw the moments you loved me but felt like you had no choice. And I saw how much that hurt.

I also recognize my own anger. I wrote him a letter, and dropped it off the same time as our final divorce papers. I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek, and that was it. The final time we spoke. I have no clue if he read it.

But if he did… he would read that I will always love him in some way, that he will always be family, and that if he ever needs someone, one call and I am there.

I sure haven’t acted that way consistently since then. Throughout our separation, divorce, and since then at times I have been venomous.

Everyone else around me has gotten to watch the softness I still have towards him. The smiles at the stories. Watching old videos and laughing big. When I say I wish he was there. The tears because I miss my best friend.

I stopped letting you see that side of me a long time ago, because it hurt too much to be vulnerable and let you know how much I loved you, and know that it wasn’t enough for you to stay.

It was self-preservation; it was fear; it was being young and volatile and having no clue what to do with my emotions or life circumstances.

I’m so glad that I am older now. That I have worked through so many of my emotions and what happened. That I can say that for the majority of the broken pieces of our relationship, he has been wholly forgiven. That I do not hold things against him.

Sometimes I wish we were still friends. That we had contact in any way. But we don’t. Honestly, most of the reason for that is me. I needed to be away. I think it is what helped me to grow. But if I had even two minutes with him in front of me, these are a few things I would say.

I know you were scared, lost, and didn’t know what to do. I know you chose yourself over me. I am not angry with you for doing that. If given the choice, I would choose your wellbeing over mine without question. I’m sorry that I was not always the most kind. For being so consumed in my own grief that it took me months to even be in the space to be brave enough to consider your own. Just as I am sorry for the younger version of me and all I went through…I am so sorry that you had the life experiences you did. That you were put in the position to make that kind of decision. I don’t envy that at all. I am happy and free from so many of my demons, and I hope you are as well. Finally, the offer still stands. Any need. No matter how small. One call and I am there. Always.