To Me.

I spend a lot of time talking about others. A lot of time addressing others. Whether it is people I think I could help, or people I no longer have the opportunity to speak to in this life. I don’t often talk to myself. But I need to, because I am far too harsh on myself.

No one could say anything to me that is worse than what I say to myself. I heap blame on my head daily. Just about anything that has gone wrong in my life I take full responsibility for. I take more responsibility than is probably warranted.

So to me.

I wish life had been different for you. I wish I could tell you why your life has ended up the way it has, but I cannot. I wish I could tell you that it is all going to be okay, but I can’t. I know you had so many dreams that you had worked so hard for. I know you watched every.single.one. of those dreams slip out of your fingers. I don’t know why.

I know how hard you are trying to fix things. I know you are trying to open up to people, be vulnerable. I know you are trying to allow people to touch you without it being triggering and sad. I know you are spending every day grasping to bring your life back together, when you don’t even know what the hell you’re trying to build anymore.

I know you are trying to be grateful. You try to focus on all of the good in your life, all of the blessings. But I also know that some days the good things just aren’t enough. The good does not outweigh the insurmountable loss in your life. It just doesn’t.

And for that? I am so sorry.

I hate that pain has become etched into your soul. I hate that you spend every day trying to fit in with everyone else when there is no way any of them could even begin to understand.

I hate that sometimes people make you feel pathetic or guilty for not just ‘being over it’. You loved a lot of people, and you loved them deeply. Their loss is not just something you have to get over. To do so would cheapen that love, and that love was so real and raw for you. Never be ashamed for loving others.

I’m sorry you can’t be more callous. I’m sorry you couldn’t just waltz into a new relationship and not feel any of the past. I’m sorry that all of the anger and betrayal didn’t come close to drowning out the love.

I’m sorry you feel as deeply as you do. I’m sorry you live every day wishing you could forget so much of your short time so far on this earth.

I am so sorry you are alone.

A lot of things have happened to you, some that you absolutely could not control. When you try to doubt that, please remember the many professionals who have told you otherwise. On the flip side, you have done some things that you aren’t proud of. I am so proud of you for taking ownership of those mistakes.

But you did not deserve it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to not live under the enormous weight of grief. You deserve to be so much lighter. You deserve to be loved by someone without having to unpack years of trauma. You deserve to let people in.

I hope we find that someday. Happiness without the tint of sadness. A lighter load in our day to day. People around you that you throw all of your unconditional love at the way you used to, and those people giving it right back. People who know everything about you and still love you immensely.

I don’t know why this is our story. I wish I did, and I’m sorry.