Things I Wish I Didn’t Know

I think being single, or in the early stages of dating, is so much lonelier after divorce than normal. Because I actually know what I am missing. I know what it feels like to twirl a wedding ring on my finger; and to this day I absently will twirl a non-existent ring when I am stressed or trying to fall asleep.

I know what it is like to be safe in the knowledge that whatever happens in your day, it will end tangled up with the person who makes you feel the most alive.

I know the beauty of in-laws, of a large, loving family to add onto your own.

I know the comfort in saying “us”, or “ours”, and the levity that comes with not having to make decisions all on your own.

I watch my friends have children, move to new houses, and know that if life had gone my way, I would be there too.

I feel like I wouldn’t have a feeling like I need to catch up on life, or like something is deeply missing, if I hadn’t felt the fulfillment that comes from marriage in the past.

When I fill out paperwork and questions come up about a spouse, my heart wouldn’t ache.

My walls wouldn’t know what it is like to be filled with photos of us, only to be bare now.

I wouldn’t question if I do certain things because of trauma, or to fill the hole that you blew in my soul.

I wouldn’t question if I will ever be that incandescently happy again. Or if my new capacity for joy is split between before and after everything fell apart.

I so wish that the innocence I once had wasn’t gone. But I cannot get it back, because I gave someone the power to steal it and they took advantage of that power.