I Don’t Believe in Divorce, But I Got Divorced and Don’t Regret It
When my ex-husband first came to me one January evening out of the blue and said our marriage was over, I was stunned. I was fearful, sad, and desperate to change the course of our union.
As he opened up regarding what the issues he had with me were, I changed. I tried to be a better wife, tried to do more to make him happy, and honestly just tried to fix us. This was not out of manipulation, I honestly loved him and it hurt me that he was unhappy and I wanted to make him happy.
I didn’t believe in divorce. I thought if you were compatible enough to get married in the first place, and if you were two adults with adult-like thinking, you make it work. Marriage is hard. Marriage is sacrifice. I still believe all of those sentiments are true.
However, at the end of the day, I filed for divorce. My ex had been dragging it out and honestly leading me on for months, so I filed. It was soul-crushing, it was liberating, and it was confusing. I could not believe that I could be a Christian who did not believe in divorce and yet be the one to actively file for divorce.
I have had a year to think about this phenomenon, and why I believe I am not crazy for being against divorce but still happy I got one.
I don’t believe in divorce because I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe in sticking with the person you love. Owning up to responsibilities. Realizing that sometimes you will fall out of love, and will need to work to bring the “spark” back. That sometimes you will feel more like friends or team mates than lovers, and that it is normal. I believe in equal effort on both ends.
That sentence right there, “equal effort on both ends” is the reason for my seemingly conflicting lifestyle and viewpoint. I filed for divorce because I knew that I could not fix my ex. I could not make him want to put in effort. I could not make him see the value in marriage. All I could do at that point was love him the best I could from afar, but also take care of myself.
One year later, I am glad I’m divorced. My ex-husband and I are worlds apart in what we hold dear, what we find important, and how we want to live our lives. Do I think we could have made it work? Yes. For almost 8 years we had a deep connection and love for one another. But that would have only been possible with equal effort and commitment, and that simply wasn’t there.
I have found freedom in choosing myself over the past year. Over surrounding myself with likeminded people. I have grown more as a person professionally, mentally, emotionally, and relationally in the past year than ever before in my life. I know that none of those changes would have happened would that individual have still been in my life.
Would I get divorced again? Never. I say this because I am going to make sure that the person I wed next is on the same wavelength. No quitting on each other, hard work, and love in many forms. Marriage is beautiful, heartbreaking, and so incredibly worth it.